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Quire
- noun: four sheets of paper or parchment folded to form eight
leaves, as in medieval manuscripts - ORIGIN Old French
'quaier', from Latin 'quaterni' ‘set of four’
Boye
- from the
French; 'boyau'
- chambre à air - [perhaps] a debating place;
Twinned with the town of
Fuctifino, Italy.
WHERE
ARE WE?
Upper
Quireboye is situated amongst the pleasant South Downs in East
Sussex. The word Sussex gives us a clue to a part of the
history. Sussex means the land of the Southern Saxons - as
Essex was the land of the Eastern Saxons. Wessex was the land
of the Western Saxons, and Middlesex - well, that was the land
of those Saxons who had gender identification problems.
VILLAGE
HISTORY
vv
CHURCH
HISTORY
vv
(These
links are not available at the moment as the pages are
undergoing redesign and updating - I know, I know, but I have
been busy, get a life already...)
SUSSEX
POLICE
DID
YOU KNOW: Households where there are no security measures are
10 times more likely to be victims of burglary than households
where there are simple security measures in place.
For
more information, contact Community Officer, PC Stroller at the
Police house.
Open
Times and the chance to talk to a police officer vary; you
might be able too, but not likely!!
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Delicate food wrapped in plastic containers with
cellophane wrapping - and we charge you 5p
for a plastic carrier bag. |
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That's
not just green hypocrisy - it's M
&
S Green Hypocrisy |
 FROM
THE VICAR
Rev. Crispin Blenkinsop
EASTER REVIEW
I would like to thank
everyone who partook in making the Church Easter
celebrations such a success.
This year, it was decided
that we would recreate the Twelve Stations of the Cross
around the village. It was so nice to see so many people
come and watch the walk through the village - from the
Church to the village green where the cross was erected.
I was pleased with so much
enthusiasm shown by those present, though I was
disturbed by the ugly murmurs I heard when the Director
of of Financial services at the local district council
(a committed born again Christian) turned up with his
family. With the new council tax charges having just
fallen through peoples letter boxes, there was an urge
to put him up on the Cross for real - the owner of the
local hardware store was seen going off to open his shop
so he could get some extra long 6-inch nails.
Fortunately common sense
took hold and the Service went off without any awkward
moments.
+ + +
I am sorry to hear that our
local MP has stepped down from a major job at one of the
leading High Street banks. There is some rather nasty
gossip going around of some dodgy dealings, but I am
sure the reason is due to him being sickened by
underhand Bank practises - something he tells
me is absolutely true and has nothing to do with the
scurrilous accusations that he was involved with some
dodgy bank dealings of his own.
Village News
Fortune Tellers' Shop Burns Down
It is
with great regret that the parish newsletter has to
inform the villagers of the closure of the Fortune
Telling Emporium run by the popular Madam Fang, after the
fire that raged through it and burnt it to the ground.
When interviewed by the Police, local clairvoyant Madam
Fang (aka Patricia Murphy) agreed with their theory for
the cause of the fire was sunlight catching her crystal
ball early one morning.
'I remember moving it to a different place in the shop'
she said ' but did not foresee it would be a problem'.
From Your Member of Parliament
 HUGO
FUCHS-DALY (Con)
BANKERS
We hear recently that
despite chip and pin technology and the increase in
'security', bank and money fraud is on the increase.
Why is this? It is because
we are putting our trust into the so called 'cash-less'
society the banks have been going on about for donkey's
years.
The answer is a basic -
yes! At one time the only banking fraud that one could
suffer from was dodgy fiver in the pocket. Now, thanks
to the wonderful world of modern technology, your
account can be wiped clean in a few seconds.
Is there a solution? Yes
there is. Reinstate the Truck Acts that were wiped away
by a previous government. This then ensures that an
employee has the RIGHT to have their wages paid to them
weekly in a good old fashioned wage
packet.
There are a number of
benefits of this: a) more cash goes into the economy; b)
the level of personal debt will slowly decrease as the
willy-nilly usage of credit cards eases; c) fraud,
especially the electronic kind will also decrease - no
more begging emails from some mud hut in Bongo-Bongo
Land that will wipe out your hard-earned money left in
the so-called safe hands of the local High Street Bank.
Yes, I admit it. It was a
Conservative government that eased up the restraints on
paying people in cash. But that was in the good old days
before electronic crime could be done by anyone with a
personal computer, the software and the gall to do it.
The Banks claim that the
cheque is on its way out - many major stores will no
longer accept them. What will take the place of this
paper transfer? Of course, some electronic alternative,
that can be hacked, cracked and generally exploited by
undesirables.
We are encouraged to use
credit cards instead of using a cheque - yet we maybe
charged an extra £2.50 for the privilege. Another
con-from my former colleagues at the High Street banks.
The Banks have forgotten
that they are there as a service to the Public. The
public are there for the Banks to use it seems. The
Banks must review their positions or there will be
trouble for them. They have gotten themselves a cold by
buying mortgage debts - yes that's right, buying
other peoples debt - in the
sub-prime mortgages fiasco.
And yes, the Banks will buy
themselves out of the problem, by screwing the average
person in the street.
They must change their ways
- or Go!!
ASK
VERA
Have you any
comments, queries or thoughts you would like to send Vera?
Then e-mail* to:
The
Parish Clerk*
*delete
'spamfree' in the address bar before you send the e-mail
GREENHOUSE
GASSES: I
have often heard that one can light-up their own flatulence. As
an experimenter in alternate energy techniques, I wanted to try
just that.
I
had a really hot curry and plenty of lager (falling over Bob
Grover in the doorways of both the take-away and the pub). I
then let nature take its natural course.
Despite
lots of noxious output nothing happened - the methane did not
ignite at all.
What
do you think went wrong?
Harding
Gilbert, Upper Quireboye.
VERA
REPLIES: As
I am a lady, this is an area of bodily functions that I am not
too aware of, but something the late Mr Snayke-Byte could have
spoken about at length.
The
whole thing is, it appears, an urban myth. The 'noxious' output
was digestive gasses of hydrogen sulphide which has no
explosive properties. The human gut cannot produce methane in
vast quantities in the way some animals can.
JUSTICE?
A
few years ago I was involved in a riot in London.
Just before I was able to lob a Molotov cocktail into
the local branch of McDonalds, I was whacked behind the
ear by a policeman's riot baton.
Now thanks to a
corrupt brief, a dodgy barrister and several detached
from reality High Court Judges, I have been given leave
to sue the Metropolitan police for anything between a
million and two million quid.
What do you
think I should get?
Phil, Kemptown,
Brighton
VERA
REPLIES: I believe you should get several hard
kicks in the region of your genitalia until your face
turns black - sadly, in this mad country of ours you
will receive a large wad of tax-payers money for
attempting to commit a crime.
BENT
ELECTION: Preznit Bush has warned Robert Mugabe
against using election fraud to maintain power in
Zimbabwe after the recent election.
Has Bush
forgotten Florida in 2000? Should he shut up?
Al Gore,
Washington, Tyne and Wear
VERA
REPLIES: I always thought politicians had short
memories after elections.
STORMY
OUTLOOK: Why are hurricanes named after women?
Ted, Teddington,
Middlesex
VERA
REPLIES: I asked our local fount of totally
irrelevant knowledge, Bob Grover. He replied because
when woman come, they are wet and wild; when they go,
they take your house and car with them. I certainly hope
he gets over his freshly broken nose soon.
NUPTIALS:
I am marrying for money and I do not fancy my fiancé at
all. I am not looking forward to our wedding night - I
have managed to put 'it' off until now. If we never
consummate the marriage, will it affect my divorce
settlement?
G D , East
Grinstead
VERA
REPLIES It most definitely will. You need to
grit your teeth (depending on what you might be doing at
the time) and just get on with your marital duties.
Think of it merely as a business transaction and adopt a
suitable professional approach - from the tone of your
letter I would have as a guess that this will come as
second nature to you.
MORE
INJUSTICE: I have a legal tip for you and
your readers.
I left a house I
had just finished burgling by way of the garage.
Unfortunately I was not able to get the garage door to
go up, because the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. I couldn't re-enter the house because
the door connecting the house and garage latched shut
when I pulled it shut. The family had just started a
three week holiday in Florida. Sadly, I found myself
locked in a garage for just over 21 days. With nothing
to eat and drink but Pepsi Cola, Dutch lager, tins of
cat food and a large bag of dry dog food, I sat and
waited for my release.
At the suggestion of my parole officer and local social
workers I successfully sued the homeowner claiming the
situation caused me undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of a million pounds.
Am I lucky or what?
Terrence Dickson, Bristol,
VERA
ANGRILY REPLIES: What you write does not
surprise me one little bit, you disgusting little turd.
We at the Parish Office only hope and pray the day will
come when this society in which we live, becomes truly
democratic and little shits like you and do-gooder
useless prat social workers are placed against a wall
and shot.
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Brief
History of Upper Quireboye
by
Bob Grover, President of The Upper Quireboye Historical Society
English
history, has a wealth of great names, such as Alfred The Great,
Richard The Lion Heart, Henry VIII, Elizabeth I, Sir Francis
Drake, Lord Nelson, the Duke of Wellington, Queen Victoria; all
of whom have left their mark on the broad canvas of history, by
leading or inspiring their fellow countrymen.
Sadly
none of the above can describe anyone who has lived in Upper
Quireboye during the long back passage of time.
Updated
History & Story of Upper Quireboye links are being
redesigned and will be ready soon.
THOUGHTS
OF LITTLE FAT BLOKE
Girls!!
Short, fat, bald blokes with a good chat line in thought
provoking sayings are hot sex machines...
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